The Hawaii Chair: You know you’re in for it when you can’t even keep a straight face long enough to hear the supposed health benefits of a proposed fitness gadget. Case in point: the Hawaii Chair, a ludicrous invention that imitates the worst nightmares of the severely vertigo-inflicted. No time to exercise? Wouldn’t that be easily remedied if you could only have an office chair that would swivel in hula hoop circles while you worked? Fortunately for you, now superior fitness is within effortless reach. It even says so in the jingle: “If you can sit, you can get fit.” What’ll they think of next?
The Bodyblade: Quite possibly the strangest looking piece of fitness equipment ever developed, the Bodyblade bears a slight resemblance to the javelin that Lambda Lambda Lambda’s own Lamar Latrell hurls to victory in Revenge of the Nerds. The Tri-Lam’s geekery has nothing on the body blade, however. The “science” behind it unashamedly contends that you can use inertia to tone fat and build muscle, a claim we wouldn’t trust any further than we could throw the thing.
The Shake Weight: Providing an exercise experience that borders on obscene, the Shake Weight claims to help build muscle by… well, it’s not entirely clear how. What is clear, though, is the fact that it’s not a workout: it’s “a revolution.” Okay, but when most people think of revolutionary fitness advancements they think of being able to take magic muscle pills that turn them into bodybuilders overnight. The Shake Weight is most decidedly not a magic solution, but a ridiculous contraption that looks like a dumbbell with a central point that pistons violently and causes you to grip it for dear life. The result? According to its manufacturers, it’s “shockwaves of energy” that cause your muscles to contract. What’s a lot more likely to result from using the Shake Weight, however, is some serious carpal tunnel.
The Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power Machine: Offering proof that ridiculous exercise gizmos aren’t just the territory of American inventors and sham artists, the Korean made Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power machine is billed as the answer to those who’d love an equestrian experience in the comfort of their living room. The giggle-worthy YouTube video really speaks for itself. They can’t be serious, right? We won’t even embed it, it’s so suggestive. You’ve been warned.
The Rack: What do you get when you steal the name of a Medieval torture device and mix it with the design of an old folks’ walker, minus wheels? The Rack. Seriously, what’s next? A neck strengthening device called The Guillotine? The Rack is advertised as an all-in-one exercise center, but all it really is are a couple of handles attached to the top of a flimsy looking base that accommodates exercises like pushups and dips — with “dip” being the operative word here to describe anyone who’d invest in a glorified ambulatory apparatus for the sake of their fitness.
The Thigh Master: One of the mainstays of insanely popular exercise gadgetry, this one should take the blue ribbon for its ability to induce simultaneous laughter and expressions of grave concern. After all, the Thigh Master looks like an accident waiting to happen, and an especially painful one at that. Of course it’s probably not nearly as painful as the discovery that inner thigh fat can’t be made to disappear by building the muscle underneath it. Fortunately for all those who spent money on the Thigh Master expecting to be transformed into Suzanne Somers in no time flat, it’s also handy enough to double as a weapon against home intruders.